How the Cahills Discovered Fanfiction
by are you with me
Summary: On one fine summer day, the Cahills happened to stumble upon this fascinating site called fanfiction. . . /UNDER REWRITE.
1. The Kabras

**A/N: **rewritten 17 January 2014, by Priscilla Silver. The original author was Priscilla Silver.

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><p>[<strong>The Kabras<strong>: _Chapter One_]

"Ian!" Natalie called, trying to hide the dismay in her voice. She bit down her lip just as she remembered it would ruin the lipgloss she'd so meticulously applied earlier, then decided to throw that priority out that window. _This _was more important.

Ian raced into the room, half-expecting a Vesper to be trying to ruin her makeup. Of course, you could hardly call it _racing, _as he didn't have a single hair disturbed by the time he'd swept into her room, not even breathing hard. All he saw was Natalie's perfect face, contorted into a grimace, and her open laptop.

"What?" he demanded expectantly, already checking the gold watch on his wrist. He had to leave in fifteen minutes for a polo practice session!

Natalie pointed to the screen. "Those coarse peasants think they can write some silly story based off those books about _us_! Whatever happened to copyright and plagiarizing? They write about us, Ian!"

"Ah, but dear sister," Ian said, relaxing, "don't you think we _deserve_ things to be written about us?"

Natalie nodded emphatically in agreement. "But they make up things about us on this site called _fanfiction dot net_! How can they be fans if they write such—such _blasphemous,_ fictional things?"

"Don't listen to those commoners," Ian said soothingly, resisting the urge to flick his eyes toward his watch again. This might really be something worth investigating. "They think they can do their own things. But they _can't."_

"Yes, I suppose so," Natalie said, calming down somewhat. Her breathing slowed as she started to type something else into the address bar, ready to click away to the new blog she'd recently set up.

Ian glanced at the screen curiously. "Wait…does that say _Ian In Love_ as a title?"

Natalie examined the screen, her fingers still pressed against the keys. Her expression was unreadable as the large, bold title blazed up at her. It might as well have been in glowing neon when the expression morphed into a huge grin, and she hit the hyperlinked text before her brother could do anything.

"What in the world is Amian, Sinian...?" Ian read aloud, frowning. He leaned closer to the screen, and his sister pushed him back, not wanting his breath to fog up the screen.

Natalie's face blanked into that unreadable expression again, which had to _surely _indicate something bad was going to happen. Right on cue, she started laughing again, her hand pressed to her mouth. "A mix-up of names," she explained.

"Ian…" The puzzle pieces began to click into place. "So the A-M comes from…_that's—how dare they—no—_"

Natalie pulled her hand away from her lipglossed mouth, a few giggles of aftershock escaping. "Amian appears to be the top hit in your love stories, Ian," she said triumphantly, clicking on a story that had ten chapters. Before Ian could react, she pushed him onto her frilly bed and started reading aloud.

_"Amy Cahill was walking to school when a masked person in black clothes leapt out from behind a trash can, pointing a gun at her. She screamed when the person pulled the trigger, only for the person to realize the gun was empty._

_Ian walked by and thought it was a mysterious, notorious man. He tackled him and knocked him unconscious with a stolen tranquilizer dart from Natalie's dart gun, and Amy's face was grateful. 'Oh, Ian!' she cried, rushed to him, and kissed him."_

"What?" spluttered Ian.

"_Seven years later, they got married and lived happily ever after._"

Ian made a strangled choking sound, his face turning blue so emphatically that it would have caused his childhood etiquette teacher to fail him for all of eternity. He pushed her hand aside and started typing into the search bar before she could comprehend what he was doing, and—

Smirking triumphantly, he read aloud, _"Dan had never been so in love. He pinned Natalie down, her face in shock and horror, about to complain about her wrinkled dress. Then he kissed her. She was so shocked she fainted, and he carried her to her limousine, and the driver drove them off to the sunset. But as Natalie was recovering in Dan's lap, they both knew it was not the end. But when Natalie revived, they kissed again—"_

Natalie shrieked in rage, hitting him on the head with an empty tube of cherry lip gloss before slamming the laptop shut on his fingers. There was a noticeable yowl of pain from him as she tried to shove him out the door, nearly ramming his head into the frame, and—

He was going to be late for polo. Oops.

As he was stumbling out, the door slamming loudly behind him, his younger sister returned to her laptop and opened up the Amian archive again. Tearing a fresh sticky note off a pad, she started writing titles as she waited for him to return.


	2. The Cahills

**A/N: **rewritten by Priscilla Silver, originally written by Parris Silver. We don't own the 39 Clues.

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><p>[<strong>The Cahills<strong>: _Chapter Two_]

The subject title said _From the Authors of the 39 Clues_—an innocent title, it sounded like. Amy's experience with books had always been positive, and she tended to associate authors with good things, for the most part.

She had no idea what was coming as she opened the email, eyes scrolling through it.

"_Dear Miss or Mr. Cahill;_

_As the authors of the bestselling series, the 39 Clues, we are most pleased to inform you about a recent development in the series. As you all know, there is a 39 Clues website, and a 39 Clues fanfiction site was recently opened, so far being a big hit. It has received almost five thousand stories so far, and we would like to encourage you to visit it._

_Best Regards,_

_The Authors of the 39 Clues, and fellow Cahills._"

"Hey, Dan!" Amy called, feeling as if she ought to share this website with her brother. It hadn't occurred to her that it might be prudent to look through it first, by herself, in case there was some sort of...pornography or other inappropriate things on it. That would probably thrill him, as a hormonal kid, but she wasn't allowing that.

But, unfortunately, it was a nice, summery afternoon, and she didn't feel like being prudent.

"What? What happened? Did Vespers break into the house? This had better be good," Dan yelled, stumbling into the room, looking rumpled. Long scratches ran up and down his arm, and he was still carrying a can of cat food from his rush over.

"Remind me to buy some more red snapper," Dan said, wincing as he ran his hand down the deep scratches. "This is what you get when you try to feed Saladin anything else."

Amy pointed at the email, which Dan read through painstakingly slowly, trying to process it. He dropped the can of cat food to stare intensely at the screen, as if there might be some sort of secret code hidden in the monitor.

"Wait—so on this fanfiction-thingy they wrote stories...about us?" he asked.

Amy sighed as he scanned the email further, although it was hardly long. "No. They smuggle black-marketed content onto the Internet under the guise of an innocent children's series' fanfiction, because the government is actually a huge perpetrator of censorship and these are the rebels. The mockingjays."

Dan's face lit up, ignoring her sarcastic explanation as well as her blatant Hunger Games reference. "Cool!" he exclaimed, leaning against her desk to get a closer look. "I bet they wrote totally awesome things about me!"

"Well, why don't we find out?" Amy clicked on the link attached in the email, highlighted in blue.

A list of names appeared, naming everyone mentioned in the 39 Clues books. Amy clicked on her name first, ignoring her brother's muffled protest, and a list of genres appeared.

"R-r-romance?" she stuttered as she read down the list. "_Romance_?" She promptly realized her mistake, as Dan—being a slower reader than she was—was still skimming the top, not quite catching it.

A mischievous grin spread across Dan's face when he heard this, his eyes jumping down to the spot hers was fixated on. "Ohh, _rooooomance!"_ he said, stretching the word out. "I wonder who they paired my sister with? Let's see!" Before Amy could protest, he clicked on the category, wrenching her laptop from her in the period.

A new page opened, and what looked like scrambled words appeared on the screen. "Amian...what's that?" Dan read the first word, scrunching up his eyebrows in confusion. "Is it an anagram?"

"No, it isn't." In a slightly trembling voice, she tried to explain, her words running away from her. Her words were being quite sensible, actually. "I think...well, I think what they're doing is, they're mixing up the names of two people, because..." her voice trailed off.

Dan caught on what she was talking about. "So then Amian is...you and Ian Cobra?" he laughed. "This, I've got to read!"

"What? No! Don't you dare, Dan Cahill!" Amy shrieked, trying to grab the laptop back from her. She frantically searched the pencil holder for a weapon, but the best thing she could find was a pair of Garfield safety scissors. Maybe she could gouge out his eyeballs, but she never was meant to be an evil older sister.

"Too late," Dan replied cheerily, clicking the mouse. A list of stories appeared. It was in the _triple digits._

"Here's a good one!" he said, mute to Amy's shrieks for him to stop. "_Forbidden Love_."

"NO! Please, Dan, _don't_!" she pleaded, already reaching for the pair of safety scissors. She didn't even know what she was going to do—maybe try to cut the words off the screen?

_"Sixteen year old Amy Cahill sat on the stone bench at the park, waiting for a certain Lucian. Suddenly, a pair of strong hands closed over her eyes. 'Hello, love,' Ian whispered into her ear, before kissing her cheek._

_"You know our branches would kill us if they knew," Amy said as Ian draped his jacket over her shoulders."_

Dan found himself to read any further, laughing too hard to breathe as he clutched onto the edge of the desk for support. He completely disregarded the threatening pair of safety scissors, choosing instead to dribble out a string of words from the fanfic as he attempted to regain control.

Amy took this time to take over the laptop.

"_Dan's Romances_," she read out loud. "Dadison, Deagan, Natan...Natan? You and Natalie?" She let out a bubble of laughter, a little softer and less smug than his own, but was still glued to the screen nevertheless.

_"NO!"_ her brother yelled, cut short by the click of the keys. He grabbed a plastic ruler from the pencil holder, marked meticulously with red and black, as if whacking her with it might stop her.

Amy began reading out loud.

_"Dan was alone. Nellie was off to a Paris cooking school, Amy was at a boarding school in Italy—and they'd dropped him off here in England at the Kabras' mansion. That was...different. Very different._

_At the thought of the Kabras, Dan smiled. He couldn't wait to meet Natalie!_

_Right on cue, Natalie walked out of the mansion, flew toward him with no little joy, and hugged him. 'Dan, you're here!' she cried happily, kissing his cheek. Dan blushed as they walked together down the path, smiling at each other."_

Dan stared at the computer screen in shocked horror, while Amy began laughing harder. "You and Natalie smiling at each other? Getting you two to say three words to each other without insulting the other is hard enough already!"

"What about you and Ian, then?" Dan retorted.

Amy blushed. "We should just be glad that they haven't seen the website yet," she said.

Dan sighed in relief, but a cloud of worry suddenly cast a shadow over it as he jammed the plastic ruler back into the holder. The 'yet' seemed to hover over him; he leaned toward the laptop screen again, still breathing heavily from his laughing/shouting ordeal.

"Uh...Amy, are you sure those Cahill authors only sent it to us?"

Amy pounced at the computer, quickly going back to her email.

Then she screamed.


	3. Evan Tolliver

**A/N: **the chapters with Angela and Caroline were deleted because Priscilla doesn't like OCs, but if the reviewers (or Parris) want them back, they'll be back. ;3 However, a new Jonah chapter will be put up.

As you can see, this chapter was quite short, since he's just one character who only was there in series two. However, after _Day of Doom, _Priscilla was like, "poor baby." Also, all rewrites are a bit longer.

Priscilla has no clue who wrote this chapter, but it was probably her, and also rewritten by her. We don't own the 39 Clues.

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><p>[<strong>Evan Tolliver<strong>: _Chapter Three_]

Evan Tolliver was mystified by the email the Cahill authors had sent—after all, he wasn't a Cahill. But then again, he was involved with them, so maybe he qualified enough to be part of this fanfiction organization. Maybe he actually had fanfictions written about him. Someone had thought so, anyway.

He clicked the link provided and scanned through the names. He wasn't far down, just below Eisenhower Holt in alphabetical order. Looking through them somewhat methodically, with mild interest, he clicked on the romance section with more curiosity than disgust, unlike some other people probably had reacted.

Evamy. Ah, that was expected. Name mix-ups, quite popular in media. Of course he would be partnered with Amy. He smiled at the thought; it seemed rather sweet of these authors, actually.

He clicked on one story and started to read.

_Evan Tolliver looked at the screen. His boss looked expectantly at him. "Well, what is your report?" he asked._

_Evan replied, "Amy Cahill would make a fine Vesper, sir."_

_The man nodded approvingly. "Of course, if she does not accept our offer to recruit her, you, Mr. Tolliver, will have the honor of killing her yourself."_

He spluttered out an incredulous exclamation at this simple paragraph, his expression astonished. He wasn't a _Vesper!_ Why would he kill his girlfriend?

_"You never said anything about killing the girl!" Evan protested. _(Well, credit to this fictional Evan for that, at least.)

_The man replied, "Didn't I? Well, I am now."_

The shocked teenager closed the laptop and sat on his bed, pulling his knees up to his chest to think this over. He wasn't a Vesper, obviously. He would never kill Amy—but this was the Clue Hunt. He'd heard of people doing desperate things, and he didn't think they could be entirely blamed.

But no. He wouldn't do that.

He was willing to bet money the rest of the fanfictioners were as outraged as he was by this site, maybe more so, but he contained himself. No point in trying to hunt down these people's IP addresses and going to their homes with a shotgun. Of course, with his tech skills, he _could, _but he could also jump off Mount Everest. And he didn't want to.

Finally, he opened the laptop and looked at the Evamy stories again, taking a deep breath.

There were plenty of them that had positive things to say about them, even if he came across more than a few that relentlessly chipped away at his self-esteem. Finally, there was one truly good fanfiction, one that had positive things to say...and Amy didn't break up with him.

Good. At least _someone_ knew he wasn't a Vesper. The feeling of insecurity and doubt ebbed away.

He turned to Amy's page. Amy and him…Amy and some person named Kurt…Amy and Jake….wait, what? _Amy and Ian?_ They were _cousins!_ He stared at the most reviewed, a multichapter unmistakably labeled as Amian.

He quickly went back to the email screen and checked who the email had been sent to. If Amy saw these stories…

Oh, no.


	4. Chapter 6

Ta-da! The Starling's Reactions, just as I promised!

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><p>"Sinead!" Ted called. "Ned! I think I received a new email on the computer, except I can't read it...little help here?"<p>

"I know what that's all about, Ted. It's the new email from the 39 Clues authors and some other Cahills, the authors who documented the clue hunt. Something about a website with fans writing stories based off the clue hunt books. I'm clicking on the link...coming! Come on, Ned," Sinead replied.

They arrived at his room, all sitting around Ted's small, triangular desk. Sinead placed her laptop in the center, positioning it so all three could get a slight glimpse.

"Look, there are stories about us," Sinead said, seeming flattered. "Let's read Ned's first, since he comes up first on an alphabetical list."

"No fair," Ted grumbled.

"Romance?" Sinead's eyes bulged as soon as she clicked on Ned's name. "Okay, I've got to see this." Before Ned could do anything, she had clicked on the section. He moaned.

"Nedoline...Neagan...Nadison...what in the world is this stuff? Did our email link end up wrong? Directed to an unscramble word machine site or something?" Sinead demanded, puzzled.

Ted was first to figure it out. "It's a mix-up of names," he said quietly.

"You get partnered with the Holt twins and an eccentric Lucian?" Sinead demanded. "Caroline's probably got the most stories in your category."

Ned gasped in horror, but Sinead quickly clicked a Madison-Reagan-Ned story, smiling evilly. She read it aloud for Ted.

"Madison and Reagan Holt sat together on the bench, arguing over Ned Starling. "I get to fall in love with him," Madison insisted. Reagan huffed. "No way, I'm way smarter and prettier, Ned likes me!"

"This has got to be a sick joke," Ned moaned.

"Just then, Ned approached them. "Ladies, ladies," he said. "Let's not argue. You're both awesome." He grinned and sat between them, quelling their anger. They both leaned toward him."

Ned made retching sounds. "I would never say something like that!" Ted was laughing.

"Then they both hugged him and each kissed his cheeks. He smiled joyfully. "Come on, let's go to the museum!"

"What?" Ned exploded. "Two girls hugging me and kissing me at the same time and me smiling about it? Are you kidding me? And we're going to a museum as a date?"

"I guess the author's opinion of an Ekat was a little too emphatically biased," Ted mused between his spurts of laughter. Ned hissed something under his breath about "ridiculous rubbish" and started tapping at the keys on the laptop, and triumphantly began reading one of Sinead's love stories. Partnering her with Hamilton Holt.

He began reading aloud. Sinead made a wild grab for the laptop, but did not succeed.

"Hamilton Holt was racing toward the football goal. He barreled across the grass. The cheerleaders were going like wild, the audience in the stands chanting, "Ha-mil-ton! Ha-mil-ton! Ha-mil-ton!" Then the voice of the magnificent Sinead Starling reached him. "Hammy, you can do it!" He almost stopped. Sinead Starling coming to a game to cheer for him?"

"I am not calling him by his idiotic family nickname or come to one of his games!" Sinead yelled in rage. Ned simply grinned and kept reading. Ted was starting to smile again.

"He had to win for Sinead! He sped up, taking a terrifically clumsy leap into the end zone. He crashed onto the grass. "Oh m'gosh, we won!" he heard another incredulous teammate shout, overjoyed. He heard the audience cheer, the cheerleaders scream in elation. But most of all, he heard Sinead Starling cry out, "You did it, Hammy!" A grin spread onto his face. He leapt up from his position on the grass and headed toward Sinead. She met him halfway, and right at the edge of the football field, they kissed."

"WHAT? WHAT?" Sinead shouted, jumping up. She punched Ned in the arm. "Hey, no hitting the cripple!"

Suddenly, Ned looked at Sinead. Twin evil smirks spread onto their faces. Too bad Ted couldn't see. Then Ned tapped another key and guided the mouse to Ted's love stories. He started reading aloud before Ted knew what was happening.

"Ted found his girlfriend, Caroline, in the Paris cafe he'd asked her to meet him in."

"Aww, Paris. France is so romantic!" Sinead said, with venomous sweetness. Ted realized what was going on and began yelling loudly.

"She was behind a big book that had to shut down a normal person's circulation, of course-"

"STOP! STOP!"

"-as usual. Ted pried the book out of her hands. She looked up and smiled charmingly-"

"NO! STOP! I'LL CALL THE COPS!"

"-and her beautiful dark brown eyes bore into him in a way that made him feel safe, but embarrassingly readable. She laid the book on-"

"I'M DYING AND NOBODY CARES! HELP!"

"-the table and Ted took his hands in hers. They went out of the cafe and went for a leisurely evening stroll along the peaceful Seine."

"DYING! DYING OVER HERE!"

"It was a vividly starry night. Caroline and Ted didn't say anything, just went along in a tranquil manner, hand in hand. Then Ted abruptly-"

"STOP OR ELSE I'LL DEVELOP PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS!"

"-got down on one knee and said, "Caroline Cahill, I love you. Will you marry me?"

"AGH!"

"Caroline smiled. "Of course I will, Ted." She hugged him, and they both sat down on the bank to watch the small ripples in the water of the river."

"She's fifteen and I'm eighteen!" Ted spluttered. Unable to stand it anymore, he ran to his room, locked the door, and began printing things off his printer and laptop. Sinead and Ned exchanged troubled looks.

Then came to a horrid realization.

"These are displayed to everyone- possibly all Cahills."


	5. Chapter 7

Hi guys! My apologies for not updating in a while! Final Exams are coming up, and I've been studying nonstop! On top of that, I had a huge science project, AND a three-hundred word book report due!

"Education is important, school however, is another matter." One of my favourite quotes.

So, here's what you've been waiting for, the Holt's Reaction!

Oh, wait, the Disclaimer. My sister would kill me if I forgot again.

Disclaimer: We do not own the 39 Clues.

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><p>As Hamilton Holt walked up the stairs to his room, there came a loud thud from Reagan and Madison's bedroom, the sound of someone falling off their bed (though, knowing the Holts, it was probably something way more violent).<p>

"What's going on?" he demanded, before doing a double take, seeing the state the twins' room was in. The bedsheets were unmade and crooked, a lamp was overturned, and the dresser was flipped over, clothing flung this way and that, as if they'd been throwing it at each other. "Tell...Madison to...stop!" Reagan panted, struggling to wrestle free as Madison pinned her to the floor. She managed to point her hand at the computer, which Hamilton went over the inspect.

He took one look at the screen, and began laughing. "Deagan...Reaonah...Teagan and Neagan? What's this?"

"It's a mash-up of her names with the other guys from the 39 Clue hunt," Madison replied, smirking. "We're on a 39 Clues fanfiction site."

Hamilton looked at the one with the most hits. "So Neagan is Reagan and..." he broke off laughing hysterically.

"SHUT UP!" Reagan screamed, as Madison tightened her grasp. "READ IT OUT LOUD!" Madison yelled to Hamilton.

Grinning, Hamilton did so, mute to Reagan's (very violent and threatening) protests.

"Fourteen year old Reagan Holt snuck a glance at her crush, Ned Starling-"

"Shut up! I'm NOT CRUSHING ON NED STARLING!"

"She looked over again, and met his eyes. She blushed, realizing he had been staring at her too-"

Hamilton and Madison broke off, nearly choking with laughter. Reagan took this advantage to flip Madison over, then dashing to the computer, she prepared to get revenge. "Madison's Romances," she read out loud. Madison, who had been too busy laughing, suddenly realized what her twin was doing, and lunged at her, with a shriek of protest.

"'Ted!' Madison yelled, as she broke into a run, into the arms of her boyfriend Ted Starling. Ted had just came back from the hospital, where they had restored his vision. They embraced each other- AHHHHHHHHH!"

Reagan let out a scream as she was suddenly tackled sideways by Madison. They were engaged in a very violent wrestling match, with Hamilton watching, not knowing whether to interfere or not, when Reagan suddenly stopped, and mouthed something to her sister. They both grinned identical mischievous smiles, as Reagan suddenly let out a loud yell, then launched herself at a startled Hamilton. At the same time, Madison ran over to the laptop, and clicked on "Hamilton's Romances", as she began reading out loud.

At that moment, their mother, Mary-Todd, came into the room.

"Dinner's in five minutes, oh good! You guys are practicing your wrestling!" she said, before exiting the room.

The moment she left, Hamilton shook free of Reagan's grasp, before tackling Madison.

"Wait!" Reagan suddenly said, interrupting the fight. "When we got that email from those 39 Clues authors, telling us about the website, did you check whether they sent the email to anybody else?"

The three of them scrambled over to the computer, opened the email, before letting out a scream.


End file.
